you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
