I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
