what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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