Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
