Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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