You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
