How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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