I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
