You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
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