State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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