two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
