I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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