i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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