There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
