Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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