i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
