You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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