i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
