so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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