I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
