Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
