i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
