Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
