I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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