Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
