She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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