note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
