is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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