Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
