She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
