Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
