Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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