remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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