I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
