whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
