First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
