Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
this will be a night to untag.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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