I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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