I bet he comes in French.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
