I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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