so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
