not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
