Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
