I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
