Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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