Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
