if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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