twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
