I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
