I CAN MOONWALK!
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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