dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
